Fantasy Purge Crimes (GAME)

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Not only is it Independence Day, it is also the day of the latest Purge Movie – There's another one, huh? – Yeah, I mean, what? This is like the 13th one? – Have you seen any of them? – Nope, I haven't, 'cause I can't find people to watch horror movies with, so I miss a lot of horror movies that I'd like to see – Oh, hey guys – I'll see it with you – Okay, let's go

– They're great – I'm busy, I'm super busy (laughter) – By show of hands, who's seen a Purge movie? – I've seen them all – Oh, really? – They're great – They're pretty good? – You've never seen one? – Uh-uh

– Me neither – They just look too scary – How many is this? – I think this is the fourth Yeah, this is the fourth – I need to do a Purge binge

– Oh, it's fourth one? – Purge binge, and then Purge watch – Yeah – Binge is the prequel to the Purge – Yeah – Yeah, right

(laughter) I'm gonna binge the first three Purges – So on these cards, we have crimes, because the point is it's one day out of the year– – You do whatever you want – –that it's just bedlam – Yes – Yep

– Yeah – It's crazy out there – There's no laws – There's no laws – You can do anything

– So people hunker down A lot of people hunker down – Some people hunker down, some people go for it

– Some people go buck wild – Yeah – But I don't understand why, in the case of that, that people would murder Murder seems– – That's because you don't understand the mind of a murderer – Okay

– You'd be the first to go (laughter) You'd be the first to get taken out – Okay, and that's a little bit of information as we go through these Before we try to match the person with their Purge crime, let's say what our Purge crimes would be I think– – Okay

– Mine would probably be (laugh) shoplifting – Oh, nice – Shoplifting – Like really large items that you just can't hide in your pants (laughter) So I'm not talking about ribs

You can put a whole slab of ribs down on top of each thigh and walk right out of a Ralph's (laughter) It's really easy – You could just walk out period, though You don't have to hide it on Purge Day – No, but I'm saying the reason why I would choose to shoplift large things is because that's the only day I could do that

– 'Cause you're always shoplifting small things (laughter) – Right, right – You would steal ribs? Just to clarify (laughter) That's your Purge crime? – No, the opposite – He already steals ribs

– All the time – He's got ribs in his pants right now, yeah (laughter) – Rib Pants Neal (laughter) – What about you, tall one? – I would, after hours, I'd go into the Biltmore Estate and just give myself a self-guided tour (laughter) – You would break into a tourist attraction without paying the fee? – I love the idea of– – Just to tour it? – Like Disneyland, Biltmore

Biltmore Estate is– – What is that? – It's this huge mansion outside of Asheville, North Carolina that is just the largest residence in the nation, and I love going in places like that, but I have to go in with all these people in a line I want it to myself – Well, you won't have it to yourself on the Purge, 'cause there'll be other people there shoplifting large items

– No, I don't think most people would think Biltmore Estate on Purge Day, but I would I mean, maybe just a couple of friends – A couple pals – Oh, am I invited? – If you want to There's a whole section of the Biltmore Estate that you can't go into on the tour where the actual people in the family live

I wanna go there too – People still live there to this day? – Yeah, the family still lives in parts of it – You could kill them – I'll kill them and then I'll take the tour I would kill the people hunkering down there, and then it'll be mine when the Purge is over

– Now you get the murder thing – It's legal – Yeah, it's legal – It's just convenient – And then I'm closing all tours

– Okay – Break into a Target once they're closed – Oh – Steal everything and load it all into a big rented U-Haul – Big ol' shoplifter here

(laughter) – Target – Ellie You prefer Target or Walmart? – Depends, Walmart has recently revamped their home furnishing section (laughter) – She's quick – Target's got home furnishing down

– Yeah, but it's more expensive Walmart has filled in the gap of cheap, mid-century modern furniture – Really, really? – I guess I'm a Walmart person now – Oh, you're a Walmart person now? – But I have to be honest, I would describe myself as a Target person – Okay

Have you ever in jest said Target? (laughter) – No (laughter) I don't support that – Oh – Okay (laughter) Okay, so you chose to interrogate– – You wanna ask anybody anything? (laughter) – Have you ever, Alex– – Yeah? – –ridden in a Target shopping cart? – As an adult man or as a child? – As an adult man

– Of course (laughter) – I love how he asked for clarification, but they both apply (laughter) – The answer's yes – Okay I think I'm gonna vote for Alex, but

Alex, but I don't know why I just– – A big, rented U-Haul You gotta be 26 to rent a Utah

A Utah? (laughter) Have you ever rented the whole state of Utah? – I think it's Ellie – It's incredible – I think it's Ellie – Okay, murder every couple who sits next to each other instead of across from each other at a restaurant (laughter) – Oh, god

Everyone, 'cause you know where they are – Yeah – Now, we know this isn't Ellie, because of the whole– – Hold on – –murder thing – Recently, Link and I went– – Alex has been talking about murder this whole time already

(laughter) – Yeah – So recently, Link and I went to a restaurant and we were sitting across from each other, as we do, and Link was like, right behind you, there is a couple They're sitting next to each other, facing me, and they're not talking They were miserably sitting next to each other on one side of the booth – It was such a weird juxtaposition, because you've got this whole romantic configuration, yet they were absolutely zoned out, miserable

– Yeah – Like I hope it's the Purge and whoever, Alex, comes and murders us It's like they were waiting for you – They definitely deserve to die – They really looked

I mean, it was sad, and then Rhett I was like, don't turn around right now, so Rhett went up and gone to the bathroom, and then as he came back, he could see it – Just so you could look? – Yeah, just so he could look (laughter) And then when we left, we walked around and it was against the window and we both looked at them through the window, and they kinda looked at us like I don't know, I couldn't tell who was holding who hostage – Well, Matt, lemme ask you a question – Yeah – When a couple makes the decision to sit next to each other, versus across from each other, as is described in this scenario, (laughter) how does that make you feel? – Any public display of affection rubs me the wrong way – Oh

– Me too – Yeah – Does it give you murderous thoughts? – Does it give you Yeah, that doesn't bother me that much, honestly It's fine, do you own thing, you know? – But if you were going to murder them, Matt– – Yeah – –Carney– – Yeah (laughter) – –how would you do it? – If I was to The perfect crime, I would stab them with an icicle (laughter) – Whoa, nice – Yeah – Ah, the murder weapon melts

(laughter) Yes, okay – You wouldn't need the perfect crime on Purge Day, though Okay, he's thinking too hard about murder It's not him, it's Alex – Okay, you can give it to Alex if you want to, but he doesn't like displays of affection

– But he didn't feel that strongly about it – Okay, it can go to Alex – Shoot (laughter) Alright, let's keep it with Carney – Here's another one

Steal a massive bus and gather all the dogs from the local shelter, ransack a Petco, and take them to a giant ranch in the mountains Ooh, animal lover – So you're talking about a pet menagerie getaway? Who wants to live with a bunch of animals, like a farm situation? – It's dogs though, right? – Is it just dogs? – All the dogs It's a dog ranch – All the dogs

Dog person – Dog ranch – I'm actually a– – I don't Kevin, do you have a pet? – I don't, but that's because I can't have one where I live – Oh, so you've got– – He's gonna get a dog soon – –a lot of pent up pet want – Did you grow up– – Maybe so – –with a pet? – I did

– Tell us about it – Well, it was a dog (laughter) His name was Lucky, he was a poodle – Oh – How did he die? – Was he from a shelter? – How did he die? – Yeah, Alex– – Not so lucky, eh? – Did you murder him? Did you murder Lucky? – He died– – That's not what– – –of old age– – –we're talking about

– –under my dad's desk (laughter) – Oh Like hiding under the desk or under the desk? – Like crushed under it? – No, no, no, he just went out peacefully – Okay – I should not have reacted that way

(laughter) People are gonna be mean about that (laughter) – We put a desk on top of him Turns out he's not so lucky – If people knew the real Kevin, that'd be a lot funnier (laughter) He's just a sicko

– It's true, no one knows the real Kevin – Any time he's talking about death or, you know– – He's a sicko – Yeah, he's– – He's a sicko – So you think he's the murderer? – I am a nice guy – I'm not saying

Yeah, oh yeah – My dog died – I feel an instinct to just continue the tradition– – Yeah – –of just assigning as we go – Yeah, yeah

That's Kevin – Oh, here's a good one – Kill the accordion player that comes to your table at Italian restaurants (laughter) – Oh – That doesn't happen very often– – Man

– –but when it does You gotta make sure that's gonna happen on Purge Day – Yeah

– You know what I'm saying? That's the thing, is the restaurant probably won't be open That guys probably gonna be like, you know what? I'm gonna go play the accordion today It's-a Purge Day (laughter) – Super Mario is the accordion player? – In the movies, are businesses trying to function normally or is every locked down? – Everything shuts down right around normal business hours, actually It's up to the owner, you know? – I think in this scenario it's like, if you could just do any crime and get away with it no matter what

– Yeah, and you could also follow that guy home– – Yeah – –any time previous to the Purge – You could kill him, yeah – Sorry that I– – But the Walmart does stay open, though, through the Purge – Oh, hose guys aren't closing

– Right? – Yeah – They better – Too many reasonably– – Alex – –priced sofas – Have you ever experienced an accordion performance? – Yeah

– Anywhere? – Me and Jen went to a restaurant a couple years ago and there was a guy going wild with an accordion (laughter) Morgan was there too Remember that? – Yep (laughter) – I woulda just said nope (laughter) – You, and Jen, and Morgan went to an Italian restaurant? – Yeah, they're like the trio

– And there was an accordion player? – You know that – It's a wilder night, I'll tell you about it It was pretty crazy – I wasn't invited (laughter) – I don't think you worked here yet

This was a while ago, but we definitely went – Oh, yeah, this is a while back – Okay, so you think that's still sticking in his crawl? – Me and Morgan are trying to enjoy a nice meal together – He has a point of reference– – Yeah – –which says a lot

Yeah, I think so Alright Why don't we start here and work back and you tell us what your Purge crime would be – 'Cause I knew that the murder thing was definitely Alex – Yeah, he's definitely a murderer

I knew that – Yeah, do you want me to say if this is me? – Yeah You're the ranch dog guy? – Why would wanna get a bunch of dogs? – No, no, that's the wrong one! (laughter) – Who has mine? – It's this one – Is this you? – Yeah – You were right, Link

– [Link] The other murderer, I was right – Don't do this, though, by the way, just so everyone Just be normal

– Don't knock it 'til you try it! It's great – It's terrible This is a warning (laughter) – If you see me in a restaurant– – Alright, Kevin Did we get you? – No

– Oh! – You wanna kill somebody too? – We talked about this We were like, is this too similar? But we're like, nah, we feel that strongly about it – It happened to me recently in an Italian restaurant and the guy, he just kept going back and forth, you know? And he kept going up to tables and doing his thing and Kate and I had to We had this plan that every time he walked by we would just look at each other intensely, like talk to each other– – Yeah – –and he would go right by us – That's what happened to me with– – But the level of anxiety is just too much – Oh, yeah – It definitely doesn't add anything to the experience

– If you have to pay him too – Yeah, you do – That's the thing I don't like – Now, he was sitting down with the tables when they're eating and hanging out with them – Oh, the worst

– And then they pay him – I hate it when a waiter sits down with you too Don't be my friend, be my waiter – So we must be right about Well, maybe So you're the dog? – I didn't say that

– Are you the dog person? – Yes – We were wrong! – We got them all wrong! – She's wearing a dog shirt today! Your dogs are on her shirt! – My favorite merch! – Do you have a dog right now? – Yeah, Lola You've met Lola – Yeah, come on, Lola, man! – I love Lola! (laughter) – I actually don't know if you've met Lola She's not a great office dog, but she's a great dog

– She's a good ranch dog – So my theory is that So I would take everything, get in this bus, shoot anyone who tries to hurt my dogs, (laughter) and get far enough into the wilderness and have so much food that the dogs who are used to being given food could ween themselves off of that and learn to live in the wild

There's this park in Costa Rica that is full of shelter dogs, like stray dogs This woman just brought them all and rescued them and they just run wild throughout the jungle, and I've never seen happier dogs – Jungle dogs – Jungle dogs So this is– – Oh-we-oh-we-oh

– The other thing I wanted to do was to break into Taylor Swift and Harry Styles's mansions in Beverly Hills, just to see what they're like and maybe find one of those rich celebrities bunkers to hide out the rest of the Purge – That's a good idea – That was too obvious – Right after the Biltmore Estate, that's – You ever been to the Biltmore Hotel in LA? – No – It's really beautiful

– Is it related? – Yeah, I think so – I'll Purge there too – I think we learned the only normal person here is Matt – Yeah – Let's go to Target

– Let's go to Target – [Rhett] Get our GMM beverage cooler and your drinks will stay chill, just like you Available at mythicalstore

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